About a month ago I decided to smoke some weed with my friends. I’m not a regular smoker but that day I felt like it – WISH I HADNT. My friend gave me a hit from his pipe and I really didn’t feel anything so I took another big hit and kept it in for very long. At first I got giggly but before I knew it I felt like I had to get up and started to feel my heart racing. That’s when my friend told me this strain of sativa had the highest THC content at the dispensary- no kidding! I told them I wanted to walk, I needed to move so we did and btw we were outdoors. And then as we walked a million thoughts went through my head in the span of two minutes and I had to stop. I had a mini existencial crisis. My life felt meaningless like I was just part of this big simulation like it wouldn’t matter if I died but if I did would I just be another kid in the news that others would forget about? I felt like my fight or flight was on and I felt like an animal trying to run away from danger. Why was I the main character in this situation? Am I the main character, but why me? And then I just felt like there was no point to anything and that this is what people who are about to die feel and then I FELT LIKE I WAS DYING. I thought I was going to die. My friends told me they were gonna walk me home and I felt safer but I was still gone. My mind was elsewhere and I could see my body walking. And then I decided that I would let go that that was it. So I threw myself in feb grass with my eyes closed and prepared to die. And then the sunlight hit me directly and I knew I couldn’t just let go yet so I stood up and began to yell “CALL 911”. My friends tried to calm me down but I kept saying I needed to go to the hospital so they finally called 911. The ambulance came and the paramedics took my vitals and assured me I was fine and that I was just having a bad trip and that my friends would take care of me. I live in a very liberal college town so no one got in trouble. Then my friends took me home and we got pizza and I was fine.
But since then my depression has come back, I’ve had lots of anxiety, I feel like I’m literally going insane. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac and having my brain play tricks on me about dying has made me more scared about illness and death because now I feel like I know what dying would feel like. I’ve been sleeping less.
The only moments when I feel like I can truly escape my mind are when I drink with my friends.
Since that day I feel like I need to be doing something to escape like eating, or smoking cigarettes, or taking adderall , or drinking, or smoking hybrid strains (those don’t give me paranoia) or just walking. Worst is I’m thinking of doing other drugs like Xanax that can just help me.
I feel dissociated from reality in a way and don’t know what’s real or not anymore. I have a lot of existencial questions and I’m very scared every second of the day and have an awful gut feeling. I wanna cry and scream. I just want to feel normal again.